We all have them. Sometimes they’re relatively low, but for the most part I’ve noticed a lot of us hold on to standards that just cannot be met by the average person. Whether we’re talking about inner circles or not, having high expectations of what another person should be or provide in return for our efforts can destroy our relationships (or prospects).
Have I been guilty of this? Absolutely. Keep in mind though, there are certain standards we all have that are non-negotiable, but for the most part, I know that there are a lot of "little things" we can always adjust for someone, if we want them bad enough. For example, one of the prerequisites I have for dating me is direct and honest communication, not just giving innuendos. If I don’t feel like a person is forthcoming with information, it won’t be enough to keep me interested or believe that they are in me. I need to see, feel and hear truth, or I will walk away. I know I’m not alone on that one. Nobody likes to play guessing games when it comes to matters of the heart. Lack of frankness will take you nowhere... fast.
Expectations can serve as an out-of-control emotional ball of energy, attached to us like a child screaming for his mommy when the sitter comes for the very first time. It can feel like torture to leave him behind, but it has to be done so mommy can rejuvenate herself enough to continue being a strong and balanced parent. She’s not neglecting her child, she’s just leaving him for a little while. Maybe we need to leave our expectations at the door for a short period of time to live and learn. If this is done, isn’t it possible that we may realize something new about ourselves? Maybe we’ll find out that we’re not as "right" as we thought.
Oftentimes we’re so fixated on the "expectations" that we actually neglect the truth: if we have them, others have them as well. If you think your partner isn’t fulfilling your needs exactly the way you want, what makes you think you’re doing it for them? Like I said earlier, we need standards, but what if yours cannot be fulfilled by ANY human being? What if your idea of love is actually a fantasy concocted by a Harlequin Novel or just another person’s attitude? The whole "soul mate" thing, for example. I actually prefer "connection" to that any day of the week! Why? It’s soooo unrealistic and indefinable. What are the chances we’re going to be happy with someone who appears to be identical to us? I know I’d rather take a flying leap off the Golden Gate Bridge than live with another Cristin.
If you are with your complimentary opposite, however, the chances of being happy are much, MUCH greater. In case you’re wondering, I believe a "complimentary opposite" is someone who shares your major life goals as a couple, ideas about children and have similar spiritual belief systems, but they have their own eccentricities which make them special. They have many things in common and can provide one another something they can’t give themselves on their own. It’s all about balance: positive and negative, black and white, back and forth (ha ha)...you get the point. Each entity has a purpose and when melded together, will provide longevity and a realistically sound alliance. So if you’re one of those happy people in a healthy relationship and choose to call your partner a soul mate, cool. I have nothing against THAT.
Read my article on soul mates (http://www.mysticwonder.org). It’ll give you a more specific idea of my thought process on that subject. You don’t have to agree, but it’s there in case you’re curious
My point with all of this babbling? I’ve noticed here lately that a lot of us are being disappointed by our great expectations. Some are blaming the other person for their discontent, when they set themself up for failure from the very beginning. I now understand why God sent my ex to me. I swear he’s the heart and soul of the lessons I’m learning and sharing right now. He’s so wise, yet so unattainable.
Mr. Wise guy, in the midst of whining said to me, "I hate how movies are about love. It’s not real and I’m beginning to think that’s part of the reason I am the way that I am". Isn’t that what I told you back in March? YES. So he gets it AFTER we break up. Isn’t that the way is always goes? We learn our lessons after the fact, when all is said and done. In his defense though, I was the equivalent of the mommy who always thought she knew better. I figured that out, apologized to him and am making damn sure I don’t do it to the next guy.
Essentially, we BOTH had ridiculous expectations that neither one of us could satisfy for one another. This situation, like most relationships, has set a new standard for what will and won’t work in the future. It helped us discard ancient ideals and provided new desires. Nice, but I already knew all of this before my ex, lol. I think I was just too lazy to change while in the relationship and thought I had the right to complain. Again, I’m just like everyone else. (Ding, Ding!) The truth is though, no matter how much I could’ve changed in that time, it still would’ve ended up the same. At least I don’t have that hanging over my head. No "what if’s or wish-I-would’ve’s".
So to conclude this really long rant, I implore each and every one of y’all to PLEASE take a closer look at the expectations you have of yourself and other people. To take a chance in letting them stay home while you take off with your friends for a night. You never know what could be waiting for you outside of your confined space. Amazing things can happen when we just let go and LIVE.
Thanks for sticking around,
Cristin
Have I been guilty of this? Absolutely. Keep in mind though, there are certain standards we all have that are non-negotiable, but for the most part, I know that there are a lot of "little things" we can always adjust for someone, if we want them bad enough. For example, one of the prerequisites I have for dating me is direct and honest communication, not just giving innuendos. If I don’t feel like a person is forthcoming with information, it won’t be enough to keep me interested or believe that they are in me. I need to see, feel and hear truth, or I will walk away. I know I’m not alone on that one. Nobody likes to play guessing games when it comes to matters of the heart. Lack of frankness will take you nowhere... fast.
Expectations can serve as an out-of-control emotional ball of energy, attached to us like a child screaming for his mommy when the sitter comes for the very first time. It can feel like torture to leave him behind, but it has to be done so mommy can rejuvenate herself enough to continue being a strong and balanced parent. She’s not neglecting her child, she’s just leaving him for a little while. Maybe we need to leave our expectations at the door for a short period of time to live and learn. If this is done, isn’t it possible that we may realize something new about ourselves? Maybe we’ll find out that we’re not as "right" as we thought.
Oftentimes we’re so fixated on the "expectations" that we actually neglect the truth: if we have them, others have them as well. If you think your partner isn’t fulfilling your needs exactly the way you want, what makes you think you’re doing it for them? Like I said earlier, we need standards, but what if yours cannot be fulfilled by ANY human being? What if your idea of love is actually a fantasy concocted by a Harlequin Novel or just another person’s attitude? The whole "soul mate" thing, for example. I actually prefer "connection" to that any day of the week! Why? It’s soooo unrealistic and indefinable. What are the chances we’re going to be happy with someone who appears to be identical to us? I know I’d rather take a flying leap off the Golden Gate Bridge than live with another Cristin.
If you are with your complimentary opposite, however, the chances of being happy are much, MUCH greater. In case you’re wondering, I believe a "complimentary opposite" is someone who shares your major life goals as a couple, ideas about children and have similar spiritual belief systems, but they have their own eccentricities which make them special. They have many things in common and can provide one another something they can’t give themselves on their own. It’s all about balance: positive and negative, black and white, back and forth (ha ha)...you get the point. Each entity has a purpose and when melded together, will provide longevity and a realistically sound alliance. So if you’re one of those happy people in a healthy relationship and choose to call your partner a soul mate, cool. I have nothing against THAT.
Read my article on soul mates (http://www.mysticwonder.org). It’ll give you a more specific idea of my thought process on that subject. You don’t have to agree, but it’s there in case you’re curious
My point with all of this babbling? I’ve noticed here lately that a lot of us are being disappointed by our great expectations. Some are blaming the other person for their discontent, when they set themself up for failure from the very beginning. I now understand why God sent my ex to me. I swear he’s the heart and soul of the lessons I’m learning and sharing right now. He’s so wise, yet so unattainable.
Mr. Wise guy, in the midst of whining said to me, "I hate how movies are about love. It’s not real and I’m beginning to think that’s part of the reason I am the way that I am". Isn’t that what I told you back in March? YES. So he gets it AFTER we break up. Isn’t that the way is always goes? We learn our lessons after the fact, when all is said and done. In his defense though, I was the equivalent of the mommy who always thought she knew better. I figured that out, apologized to him and am making damn sure I don’t do it to the next guy.
Essentially, we BOTH had ridiculous expectations that neither one of us could satisfy for one another. This situation, like most relationships, has set a new standard for what will and won’t work in the future. It helped us discard ancient ideals and provided new desires. Nice, but I already knew all of this before my ex, lol. I think I was just too lazy to change while in the relationship and thought I had the right to complain. Again, I’m just like everyone else. (Ding, Ding!) The truth is though, no matter how much I could’ve changed in that time, it still would’ve ended up the same. At least I don’t have that hanging over my head. No "what if’s or wish-I-would’ve’s".
So to conclude this really long rant, I implore each and every one of y’all to PLEASE take a closer look at the expectations you have of yourself and other people. To take a chance in letting them stay home while you take off with your friends for a night. You never know what could be waiting for you outside of your confined space. Amazing things can happen when we just let go and LIVE.
Thanks for sticking around,
Cristin
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