Drama Wars: Divorce- Victim vs. Victim

WARNING:

The Drama Wars series may be perceived as harsh and judgmental. If you're not in the mood for a wake-up call, don't bother reading. If you're going to get pissed at me for being honest and plan to tell me so, save it. I am not looking for validation in any way. Also, I'm not talking about ALL people in these situations, just the majority from what I've seen. Thanks!

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Have you ever wondered what life would be like without having to deal with other people's insecurities, jealousy and unnecessary drama? Do you dream about it? What if I told you that all this instability you're living with is actually YOUR fault? Would you get all defensive and immediately place blame or play the victim? Well guess what, it IS your fault! Please allow me to explain...



Drama War:
A nonessential battle sought out by individuals who are looking to fill a deep void in their life, via a situation they created and refuse to take responsibility for.
Brought to you by the Dictionary for the Logically Impaired

If you're having a difficult time understanding, please refer to common sense at my trusted affiliate Merriam-Webster Online.


There are so many situations which can ignite some serious drama in our lives. In this series I'm going to highlight the most popular scenarios and offer simple solutions to the mass hysteria that never seems to evolve.
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Divorce: Victim vs. Victim
How are your actions affecting your kid(s)?

As most of you are already aware, my younger sister and I were raised in a broken home. Well, she was at least. She was only 12 when our parents split. I was turning 16 so I was already in the rebel stage of my teenage years and was pretty detached by then. I was also very opinionated. I'm sure you're thinking, "Well nothing has changed." You're right. Nothing has changed!

My sister and I were exposed to our parents' jealousies, hatred and petty arguements. We also had to suffer with an evil step-mother whose only ambition was to lie, cheat, steal and cause drama so she could get rid of us. I allowed her to succeed with me because I took one look at her and knew she was scum the day we met. There was no love lost between my father and I anyway, so obviously I had nothing to lose by discarding them. Unless an upgrade is available, I simply decline.

My sister, on the other hand, sucked it up due to her fear that her beloved daddy would disown her and treat her like crap as he did me. At 27 years old and married with two children of her own, she's still living with that fear and calls me up for advice. I recently put a stop to that and included these closing words:

"This is your own damn fault. You allowed these people to trample over you with a steamroller for the sake of keeping a non-existant relationship alive. Be an adult, take responsibility and deal with it. I can't listen to this crap anymore."

Sounds harsh doesn't it? 16 years of her complaining finally got to me. So after the step-mother attacked her publically on Facebook with daddy's approval, she finally put her foot down. The dynamic duo has chosen to see their own children without the presence of the other. Just when I thought I'd seen and heard it all from them, LOL! Keep in mind, I still don't have a relationship with my mother's sperm donor.

That's the thing about most parents and divorce. They act like victims when they're really just a couple of selfish retards claiming they care about their children's best interest. They fight over things the kids could care less about, one or both of them is jealous of the other's life and finally, they try to exponge as much money out of the other as possible. Again, the kids don't give a rat's ass about any of that stuff. They just want to be loved unconditionally and treated like they're important by both parents and/or their significant others. To quote my oldest step-daughter, "DUH!"

Here are some tools brought to you by my own experiences and common sense:


* Think before you speak or act. Will your kids really be affected by your nausiating complaints for the better? I doubt it...shut up!


* Are you living in the past? Get over it. If you are only focusing on what you lost, don't have or compare your life to that of your ex's (or his/her significant other), your life will not evolve. History will repeat itself, even if you have a new bf/gf/spouse. My "father" and his wife are on top of their game with that stupid shit. It's still happening and I'm in my 30's now, LOL!

* Don't try to manipulate the court order! If you are constantly changing the rules to suit your needs, you're causing a huge disruption in the chid(ren)'s life AND creating drama with everyone in your situation. If you want to be viewed as the "good one", start acting like it. This goes for the mother AND father. For example: If you owe money, pay it!

* For God's sake, COMMUNICATE. It's more important for ex-couples with children to talk to each other after divorcing than while married. I know it sounds strange for me to say, but it's true. Especially if you have completely different views on how the kid(s) should be raised. For example: Confirm times/dates for events if you're unclear and do so without veering off topic.
For more information on creating a healthier dialog, please visit my blog entry, "I Am Right, Hear Me Roar!" under the "Relationships" category here at Wonderland.

* Expect to have different views of how to raise the child(ren). You're divorced for a reason, yes? Generally it's because you two couldn't agree on things while living together or had other circumstances tarnishing the marriage. Chances are, you won't agree on how to raise the child(ren) now. Don't expect your ex to do things exactly the way you want. The kids have the right and should have the opportunity to experience both parents' lifestyles, especially if they're a part of a blended family (half or step siblings). If you don't like it, then perhaps you should've made different choices.

* Be smart, don't start. Fighting over stupid crap that is. Again, if the complaint is not significant to the child(ren)'s well-being or current routine, don't bring it up. It's as simple as that. Religious beliefs and other personal lifestyle choices (outside of abuse) should be left alone. Aplogizing if you get "out of line" is also helpful. That will earn you respect.

* Know when your kid is manipulating you! 99.9% of children of divorce do it. Some practice this often and some don't. All they want is for both parents to feel sorry for them and they'll use that guilt to get new toys and all the attention, especially if a new bf/gf is being thrown into the mix or they're feuding with a sibling. They may also brag about what one parent gives them so the other will buy it too. I did it with my father.
All I wanted was for him to pay some attention to me, but I quickly realized that showcasing my issues with my mother did nothing but encourage them to fight and who won? Nobody. My parents argued about nothing and I was left with, you guessed it, nothing. No love, no affection and certainly no attention. The she-devil tries to use our words to hurt our mother to this very day (16 years later). So I guess that backfired in a very big way, huh.

* Absence makes the heart grow fonder? I think not! Don't rely on the ex-spouse or their significant other to do your job for you! Both parents (of school aged children or younger) are obligated to be present for school events/meetings, homework, extra curricular activities, pick-ups/drop-offs, serious health related incidents and the child(ren)'s emotional stability. Step-parents and significant others are not, so don't expect them to be. This is a general comment for parents who live within a reasonable distance from one another and are both in the kids' lives.

There should never be a statement made such as, "You're going to take care of this right?" Just do it and be there for them. Your kid(s) will remember your absence and hold on to it like it's the worst thing that's happened to them, even if they appear to be forgiving. I know this to be true, better than most people.

* Keep your word. If you agree to something do not go back on it just because "something comes up", it's inconvenient or the ex pisses you off. Nobody can say anything bad about you if you're true to your word.

* The world does not revolve around you! This one is definitely common sense. Don't try to control everything and everyone. The harder you push, the more resistance you'll meet and the more foolish you'll end up becoming. Oh and one more thing: Keep your priorities in check. Children first, you last.

* Suck it up! You and the ex made all the choices from getting married, having children (or adopting) to getting divorced (then possibly remarried). These kids never had a say. It's so important to be accountable for that which you are responsible for and stop blaming someone else. No matter what has been said or done in the past, you need to suck it up and deal with the person you choose to create (or adopt) a child with. You can't expect the kid(s) to have a chance to be happy or successful in life if you don't.

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In this day and age, it is said that at least 50% of marriages are doomed to fail, depending on the circumstances. I'm pretty sure that percentage has gone up in recent years. Most of them include nasty custody battles involving 2 or more children. What's even worse are the statistics for the future of these children of divorce...

Paraphrased from the 'Journal of Marriage and Family' 2003- Studies have indicated that children from broken homes (or single mother homes) have a smaller chance of obtaining healthy and stable relationships in adulthood vs. the children who grow up with both parents in the same household . If one spouse's parents divorced, there's a 59% chance their marriage will end within 10 years. If both spouses' parents are divorced, you may triple that 59%.

Please visit Children of Divorce: The Shocking Statistics for other things we don't generally think about. It really is quite shocking and I'm grateful my sister and I didn't fall into ANY of those categories.

Also, here are the most recent divorce rates (April 2010) by country via Nation Master.com and of course, the US is #1. What a shocker! *note the sarcasm*

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The most important message I have to deliver is that these drama wars between divorced parents are silly, time wasting and damaging to the children. All it takes is some common sense when dealing with the ex-spouse and moving on to a new life with the kids can be pretty fulfilling.

Just remember the kiddos don't give a damn about their parents' past, money problems, love lives, emotional issues, etc... They're kids. They only care about themselves and it's the parents' job to be there and provide them with their true needs. Furthermore, the ONLY victims in these situations are the children involved. Everyone else had a choice.


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