"Backed up" is probably the best way to describe each one of my tanks right now because after I remove something I deem disgusting, something else pops right up to the surface. These tanks, for those of you interested, are...
- Emotional & Mental Stability
- Personal Life
- Career Path
Last year I spoke a lot about my trust issues and went through a process to eliminate what I believed was holding me back. Today I had a break through which consisted of me verbally spewing a rancid thought process to someone close to me. I think I finally realized what I've been holding on to and apparently never released. How could I when I never made it to the root cause? I thought I had it all figured out. Silly me. Always thinking I have it right when I don't. "It" being whatever egotistical "demon" was/is controlling my belief system about myself and those I have allowed to be in my circle.
I think I'm at a point in my life where I'm sick of dealing with renters and tourists. I want home owners, damnit! People who are prepared (and willing) to invest in me for the long haul. The underlying fear (ugh, not that one again!) is that I'm not truly lovable, therefore I cannot attract wise investors, just those who want to party with me for a while then take off. Either that or those who have an agenda and when I catch on, practically force me to kick them out. I didn't know these acid-based feelings were present, eating me up inside for many years. I believed I was never loved and that nobody could possibly feel that way toward me for real. Wow. That's real shitty way to live and I've been doing it, totally unaware.
...and in case you didn't know, being in denial blows! Just thought I'd share that one, LOL. What's worse is realizing you were in denial for X amount of years and uncovering the truth when you thought you had it right all along. This is something I had to face today. Better to get it late than never I suppose.
Actually, scratch that last thought (so ADD right now, sorry). Having someone tell you they really love you, not believing their words and them not understanding why is the worst in a matter such as this. Missing the love! Who does that? Me, apparently. So the big question I've been asking myself ever since this particular conversation ended is this:
How can you preach FAITH to people when you haven't truly mastered it yourself?
I guess it's because I have faith in everything else...everything, but my ability to be truly loved. Now whose fault is this? Should I blame my parents, ex-lovers, ex-friends or random people who thought it was okay to shove a knife through my back and into my heart or did I fall on the sword by my own volition?
Oh my God... I'm fucking codependent!
CODEPENDENT, holy shit! I totally need a support group now, damn. No time for that, so I guess I'll re-read a classic, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
How funny that I'm typing this out and having an epiphany at the same time! Awesome. I'm thinking about my past relationships with people (family, friends, romantic) and now I see how I am partially responsible in creating such a heartbreaking outcome. Now I just have to go back to the beginning and rehash my steps to eliminate this awful "disease".
The question now is, "Am I technically codependent if I stopped the cycle of attraction"? I know for a fact this is true since I am married to a man who doesn't really need me. He chose me and has been very adamant about that. So now that I'm convinced, I guess that label isn't 100% true these days. I may still be carrying codependent tendencies though and I need to make sure I get a handle on it. Martyrdom isn't attractive either, so that's something I'll be looking into as well (just in case).
I don't believe my actions are as bad now as they used to be in my 20's. That's good news, but my Ego hasn't caught up with the times so I'll be needing to fix this ASAP! I feel another blog series coming on. Oh damn...look out!
Recently I posted on Twitter that writing is therapeutic for me. It really is and it works, I promise. So many of us are codependent and are virtually clueless about it, so I'm thinking this next series will provide a wake-up call to a lot of people, myself included.
Oh, and one last thing...
Missing the love is very common. I hear about it all the time, but I wish I wasn't in that boat. The last thing I need is to live with regret so this is me...walking the plank...getting ready to take a flying leap again.
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