My family and I have been through a lot this past Summer. Losing my father-in-law to Cancer being the absolute worst. Watching someone I love slip away forever was life-altering for me. I'm not sure how many of you have actually seen someone die, but our experience was an emotional roller coaster ride from Hell. Hearing him screaming for pain medication was bad, but those being his last words was too much. When the dust settled I actually felt like we were blessed with the privilege of witnessing his passing. I know it sounds crazy, but that's how I feel about it today. I'll never forget.
To make matters worse, his brother Chuck passed away 2 months later, leaving my devastated mother-in-law to wonder, "Who is next?" The last time we saw him was at Tom's funeral. His Cancer was in remission, but he had one final chemo treatment the day after Tom died. Chuck passed away after falling off his bicycle, riding in a park with a lady friend. Just awful! My stepdaughters lost their great-grandmother while on vacation with their mother in July, about a month after Tom died as well.
Dear God,
Thanks for dumping all this devastating crap on us at once. Can we PLEASE have a great school year with VERY LITTLE to no DRAMA? Thanks for the consideration.
Cristin
This week I've felt the hole in my heart more so than in the last couple of months. Like I said earlier, I've been very emotional. It has been water works central when I'm home alone lately, so it's been pretty difficult for me to focus on work and balancing my time. What's getting me the most is feeling as though I had a real father figure in my life for a while and now he's gone. Sometimes, the reality of forever just sucks. I've been trying to fill the void with my immediate family, but for some reason I'm coming up short here.
There's a huge part of me that believes I was lead to my husband so I could have a real family. Another part so I can make sure my 2 innocent stepdaughters don't have a fucked up childhood like I did. Though I'm not perfect, I'm clear and have plenty of experience necessary to have a happy blended family. God's plan to screw me in the dad department worked like a charm because I chose a relationship with a man who is bio-daddy's polar opposite and the choices I make based on my experiences with that are changing the energy of my stepdaughters' lives now. It's like I was given the power to stop a cycle of devastation and I've been successful. God trusted ME with that shit. What an honor.
Of all the men I could've ended up with...THIS one had all the ingredients to transform my life and help me serve the greater good. Wow. Let me just say though, the husband is simply your average dude. He would die laughing if I told him any of this, especially the stuff about being God's gift to him, LOL. Seriously though, this epiphany about why I'm with this man is sort of incredible. It makes me feel better about the decisions I've made with others in the past. It's also the understanding of why I had to go through so much crap to get here. This relationship is the one that allows me to serve my true purpose, unlike the others who were pretty selfish and only wanted me to serve them. This includes certain "family" members as well.
It's funny how I have to go through the hindsight thing to get these reminders and epiphanies, which in turn creates a new foundation for the next year. When I think about what I was accomplishing in my life before meeting the husband versus now is a real eye-opener. People really do change over time. I'm proud to say that I haven't taken the easy route and regressed, only evolved. I'm doing very well with maintaining balance in loving myself AND others simultaneously.
Putting my life on hold might have been a benefit to some people, but in the end, they never really mattered. Shame on me for allowing myself to focus on those who didn't give me the love and respect I deserve in return for my efforts with them.
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