Fighting The Power

This is our first Thanksgiving without my beloved father-in-law and some of our family members have chosen to go out of town this year.  I wanted to make things easier on my mother-in-law so I'm having Thanksgiving at my house for the first time.  My mother and her boyfriend Mike are coming down for their first holiday in Ohio. My sister and her family are coming as well.

I'm excited, but now there's the pressure to not fuck up the turkey, LOL, so my husband is going to get a small one and do a test run with a seasoning recipe he found. We're testing it on the girls this weekend as they don't have a filter when it comes to food.  They won't be with us this year as this is the birth mother's turn for T-Day and the extended portion of their Christmas break.  We decided to do a small celebration with them since they'll be missing the festivities next week.

I wish I would've joined my mother's side of the family for Thanksgiving when I had the chance.  In hindsight, I feel as though my father alienated us from my mother's side of the family while they were married.  I was very closed off to family events after my parents' divorce because I felt like "family" was a bullshit concept.  I didn't want to be a part of something I felt was fake and a waste of my time.  Looking back, I wish my mother would've put her foot down and forced me to attend those events, but I'm pretty sure she didn't want to be embarrassed by my piss-poor attitude in front of her family.  I was stubborn to say the least.  The good news is that I've found a way to reconnect with those people and stay in touch. 

I regret letting others' negative way of being control what I believed and how I behaved.  I always thought that I needed to be with a man who had a similar childhood background as I, thinking he'd understand me.  I refused partners who had a nuclear family because I truly believed we'd have nothing in common.  I was very uncomfortable being with them on Christmas, so I did everything in my power to avoid it.  I stayed away from other family related events, such as weddings, parties and all holidays where families have big dinners.  That caused major issues in my relationships.  I'm pretty sure I was just running from the possibility of loss.  Luckily, I ended up with a guy who didn't give a rat's ass about my issues and who waited patiently for me to "get it" over time.

I'm still against the BIG, expensive wedding (nothing against those who love that stuff though).  I didn't even have one myself.  I kept the family invites to just our kids and a few close friends.  No other family members allowed.  Boy did that piss some people off, LOL.  I remember while looking for dresses, my friend Nikki flipped out when she realized I hated the idea of anything "bridal".   Absolutely NO flowers, music, shower, bachelorette party, etc... She was stunned when I chose a black dress.  Actually, I'm pretty sure she was appalled.  The girls wanted flowers so I grabbed some from Wal-Mart the morning of the ceremony.

It seems crazy how dramatically my life has changed. I fought my husband every step of the way, from the moment we met until September of this year.  I can honestly say that I didn't understand what was happening FOR me and didn't completely commit myself to this lifestyle until after Dave and I got married.  Even though I was very happy with him and the kids, I viewed life as "Angelo and I" versus "My family and I" out of habit and perhaps FEAR.  We've been married for 3 1/2 years (together for 5 1/2). My friends used to shake their heads in disbelief and say, "What the hell is the matter with you? You have the life EVERYBODY wants!" 

I've been slowly pulling myself out of that self-absorbed way of thinking.  Last year we filed our first joint tax return and I agreed to a joint checking account this past September. In October I got rid of my SUV and bought a mini-van. The next day I got a bug up my ass and traded in the last piece of my single life...my 2002 Dodge Stratus...and replaced it with an upgraded sedan for the husband.  Finally and so-not importantly, I dropped the hyphenate from my last name on Twitter, even though I'm still legally a hyphenate as Twitter doesn't allow enough characters for my full last name.  I know it bothers the husband that Angelo and I do not carry just HIS name, but I'm not ready to go through the legalities of changing them anytime soon.  I just got around to adding the hyphenate to my bank accounts and other things a couple of months ago!  

I've always believed in the "love conquers all" concept for family, friends and clients.  I'd happily promote that shit any day of the week, but exclude myself due to the unsavory experiences I've had throughout my life with people (not just my parents' influence).  I've been an excellent opponent to "The Power", but every weapon in my arsenal has been broken and all my energy exhausted in the fight.  No more excuses.  No more optional paths to take.  Nobody left to blame for the ridiculous mental barriers that kept me from achieving happiness.   Finally, there's absolutely NOWHERE else to go, but up from here.

This is what I'm grateful for this Thanksgiving.