This Is My Truth

Sometimes telling the truth can hurt other people.  Keeping your feelings hidden to appease others' fragile egos or for the sake of gaining someone's approval only hurts you.  So which is the best choice to make?  Either way pain will ensue.

I choose TRUTH, for better or worse, always.

For the last few years I've been in a real nasty place.  I've reduced my work schedule to practically nothing because I let nasty influences in and I just wasn't in the right head space to do this job.  So many times I've questioned which path to take and often wondered if I made the right decisions after waffling back and forth.

I went from this nice, hard working, confident, friendly and successful woman to someone I could no longer recognize.  Was I doormat? Oh how I LOATHE those bitches and now I'm one of them?  I turned sour, cold and unhappy.  All the beauty and life inside of me had been drained by circumstances and horrible people.   People I am NOT responsible for.  People who ARE NOT there for me.  How did I get here?  I didn't sign up for this shit!  Why won't they leave me the fuck alone? I finally hit my emotional rock bottom after the greatest epiphany of my life came; In the end, none of this really matters.  Damn, this is my truth.

I had a  HUGE FUCKING MELTDOWN.  Explaining where I was at, why I was unhappy and what needed to change was excruciating to say the least.  I was possessed and my husband was the exorcist.  I felt guilty for putting him in that position, but angry at him for allowing me to get this way.  The truth is that last line is a LIE.  He didn't do anything wrong and neither did I. We are both wonderful folks who take on people and things that are NOT our responsibility, but then claim them as our own.  He's the strong one in this relationship, a first for me and I didn't see it.  For 7 years I didn't see it.  This is my truth.

He says that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him.  Right, but I couldn't agree with that before because A- I didn't believe that anyone could ever feel that way about me and B- He's got to be full of shit because ALL the men I've ever dealt with were.  Especially those I loved.  I was never a man hater though.  I just had very high expectations of those people who couldn't give me what I needed.  This is my truth.

My father couldn't love me.  That is not his fault.  I think I held on to the standard that if you choose to produce a child then you will love them with everything you have FOREVER.  I love my son that way.  My father just couldn't do it.  I wasn't what he REALLY wanted.  My sister wasn't what he REALLY wanted.  He never had the balls to tell the truth so he lied and cheated.  He got out eventually, but not honorably.  I wish he would've had enough RESPECT for us to just be honest. It would've saved people so much time and effort.  My sister is heartbroken.  I am not.  I never loved this man.  This is my truth.

I haven't been able to feel comfortable posting a blog entry in ages because I am sick and tired of certain people picking apart my words and using them for personal gain.  Nothing good ever comes of it.  You steal my work that's intended to HELP people then use it to either make money, hurt me or hurt others. It doesn't really matter if I pin point who I'm speaking of.  They already think that everything I post is about them anyway.  I'm still pissed off.  This is my truth.

I'm getting older.  Time isn't standing still so that I can go back and make certain people love me or be there like they promised.  I'm not able to fix everyone's problems even though I'd love that super power.  I'm not God or Wonder Woman, but damnit I'm fine as Hell.  At least that's what the dude I married says.  All I ever wanted in my circle are people I can trust, those who are respectful and loyal.  Though I had to lose more than I gained, I finally have what I need and I'm going to do everything in my power to not fuck this up.  I'm never letting go.  This is my truth.