Even though I don't believe in "mistakes", I'm pretty sure I've made some choices that weren't in my highest good. I stand by every one I've ever made, even those other people did not agree with. Some of the moves I've made did not serve me, but others. I now know that wasn't absolutely necessary most of the time. You know what they say about hindsight, right?
Speaking of which, I took quite a bit of time thinking, feeling, reading and listening to stuff that's affected me over the last 15 years. I opened up old wounds to compare the feelings I had then versus now. I cannot tell you how liberating this was. Normally I'd never suggest people do this, but I needed to for a few reasons. First I had to make sure I wasn't being redundant with my blog posts and unfortunately it turns out that I was. This means I haven't been successful in letting go of certain issues and I sound like a martyr. Shit.
I learned that the main reason I haven't been able to let go of some stuff is because I didn't have the complete picture. I assumed some things that weren't true, but in my defense I wasn't given much of a choice when it came to walking away. I had to in order to keep my word. Do I regret this? No. Sometimes people make decisions for us and it's only right that we respect their choices if we claim to love them. This is what I've done time after time. Was it always the right thing to do for everyone involved? Only God knows.
The other reason is that I had an overabundance of love and positive energy to give and yet I didn't get to choose who was on the receiving end. For some reason that really pissed me off. I would never, in my right mind, befriend someone for selfish purposes, but as we all know there are a lot of people out there who do. I have attracted a shit ton of garbage like this in my life. I never understood what I had done to deserve such awful treatment. The truth is that I haven't done a damn thing. I was given a gift.
I have been blessed with an over abundance of the good stuff for the purpose of giving it away to those who need it. I never saw it as a gift until today. Balance is still something I need to achieve as much as possible, but I have to accept the fact that I will attract people who need to be loved and cared for, but cannot or may not want to return the favor. This is okay because I am strong. I can handle emotional adversity. I have more than enough energy to go around. Even if I have to continue to go through a lot of painful loss, I'll make it.
I'm so sick and tired of feeling hurt, alone and helpless. I don't want to have more anger than joy in my heart. So after all that thinking, feeling, reading and listening I've decided to finally shut the fuck up. I'm done trying to understand what went wrong with certain relationships and people's behavior. I'm done with the constant fight between my logical thoughts and intuition. I am putting myself out there the only way I know how...by letting go of the love I feel is exclusively mine and expecting a return on my emotional investments.
Do you need a punching bag and I look like a good one? Fine, have at it if it makes you feel better. I'm not going to fall apart. You need someone to blame for the decisions you've made? Okay, be my guest. I'm an excellent scapegoat. It's your life. Feeling broke these days? Fantastic! Make a withdrawal from my account. If you choose not to pay back what you've taken, please have the decency to pay it forward to someone else. Remember there's no superficial payoff for being my friend.
Everyone has something that makes them feel as though they've hit rock bottom so who am I to deny anyone the opportunity to create the life they feel they deserve? Feel free to take whatever you need. I won't be asking for anything in return, not even your time.
Cristin
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