Why Are People So Effing Stupid? By people, I mean ME. Yeah. I've been more than just stupid plenty of times in my life, but I've realized that I'm the biggest dumb ass of the century and have been for almost 9 years now. Just when you think you know yourself and the situation, it turns out you don't. Not only that, but in my case letting my guard down was the absolute worst thing I could've done. Here I am thinking that I've been an emotional prude and felt guilty for holding back when in fact I was doing the right thing all along.
The back story of this particular situation is way too long and too personal to post, but I can tell you that if you look up the word DELUSIONAL in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of my face next to the description. That was a nasty pill to swallow and one of the worst epiphanies to get.
I mentioned in my last post that I went through of ton of stuff that's had an effect on me throughout the years. I read my entire catalog of writing, even the stuff I haven't posted. I felt the need to clear a ton of stuff out of my energy and I wasn't sure why. I don't think I've gotten all my answers yet, but I do know that I'm going through a serious life change and a spiritual awakening right now. From what I can remember, this actually began right after I got married, but I didn't see the signs until mid June 2015, after my son Anthony was born. Generally this means that the transition is about to end and thank the effing Lord too.
This one was AWFUL.
At first I thought I was going through postpartum depression, but as it turns out I was getting run down by psychic vampires. Sounds strange, I know. Basically they are people who are whacking your space and sucking the life out of your energy as a reaction to something you've either said or done. They don't usually realize this is happening and we don't get it until it hits. This is what I get for keeping my move and pregnancy a damn secret. As soon as it all came out I got nailed and I thought I was protecting myself. It was nice while I was pregnant and going through the heart stuff though. No drama for 9 whole months!
Around mid June I began isolating myself from my husband, his kids, his family and other situations. I was able to keep a very strong connection to my own kids and stay solid with my physical/spiritual responsibilities though. I knew there was something very wrong when I noticed the difference in my energy when I was with my kids alone vs the entire family. At that point it was time for me to figure things out.
Step one: Get some help and I did so by contacting my girl, Ms Rhea. God love that woman, she knows exactly what to say and I'm quite certain is my present life Guardian Angel. Love that bitch. I also got a hold of my friend Nikki. Both women know their shit and I'm grateful to have them in my life!
Step two: Go through my private journal entries. They were from 2011-2015 and ALL of them were in July around mid month. Every entry had the same, never resolved issues. What the holy F have I been doing all these years? Not getting the lessons, growing or healing, apparently. I felt defeated and thought to myself, "Damnit. Now I have to start all over again. UGH"
Step three: Expose my bullshit. I had several conversations with the husband about what I was going through and most of it was nasty. I learned a lot though. Mostly that we were never on the same page and I was an asshole for not speaking up sooner. That I could not hold him accountable for anything in the relationship, especially the false pretenses in which it began or my happiness and he made sure to say that I was being unfair by letting him know. Keep in mind we've had these conversations every year since we married in April 2009 AND I've always been honest with him about my feelings.
Oh and let's not forget that I shouldn't be posting any of this to my blog. You know, the thing I've been doing for years prior to meeting the husband. Well that's BS and me holding back stops TODAY. He's agreed to this, of course, otherwise I'd be crying in my cookies instead of being completely honest with myself and those I work with. That's the ONE THING I can say about myself. I may be the dumbest bitch on the block right now, but at least I have been 100% forthcoming and honest with the information I had about myself at the time, including today. I'm a little pissed about this, can't ya tell?
So after all of this I ended up on a letter writing spree. Husband got a great one and another was posted to my blog called "To Whom It May Concern". This entry is mostly about myself, but includes issues regarding family stuff and a few people who have affected me in the past. Anytime I have to write letters you know that shit is hitting the fan. I'm hopeful all of this means that resolution is near and I'll be done with this by the end of the year. I cannot go through this awakening again in 2016. Well, I could handle it, I just don't want to, LOL.
Now that I've dumped some of my smelly garbage out to the Universe I should probably explain what the Hell is going on. I've been in severe denial about all the major life choices I've made since I moved to Ohio in 2006. I was given plenty of time, space and spiritual guidance, but apparently I chose to ignore A LOT. I feel horrible inside and am working on forgiving myself for my stupidity. I'm just hoping that when all is said and done here, those people I love who are being affected by my awakening and growth, will be able to see where I am coming from and I can salvage some of those relationships. Hopefully the outcome won't be as emotionally draining as I'm anticipating.
The biggest thing I'm realizing in hindsight are those super huge red flags that were proudly blazing in the wind at every platform I landed on. Yep. I ignored those bastards hoping to move passed the obvious lessons I needed to receive without being spiritually slaughtered. I can't believe I did that! Me, of all people! We're supposed to get nailed to have a fighting chance of beating our Ego and seeing things as they really are, but all I did was run in the opposite direction. Away from love, life and my true self.
I guess it's time to stop that shit, eh?
The back story of this particular situation is way too long and too personal to post, but I can tell you that if you look up the word DELUSIONAL in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of my face next to the description. That was a nasty pill to swallow and one of the worst epiphanies to get.
I mentioned in my last post that I went through of ton of stuff that's had an effect on me throughout the years. I read my entire catalog of writing, even the stuff I haven't posted. I felt the need to clear a ton of stuff out of my energy and I wasn't sure why. I don't think I've gotten all my answers yet, but I do know that I'm going through a serious life change and a spiritual awakening right now. From what I can remember, this actually began right after I got married, but I didn't see the signs until mid June 2015, after my son Anthony was born. Generally this means that the transition is about to end and thank the effing Lord too.
This one was AWFUL.
At first I thought I was going through postpartum depression, but as it turns out I was getting run down by psychic vampires. Sounds strange, I know. Basically they are people who are whacking your space and sucking the life out of your energy as a reaction to something you've either said or done. They don't usually realize this is happening and we don't get it until it hits. This is what I get for keeping my move and pregnancy a damn secret. As soon as it all came out I got nailed and I thought I was protecting myself. It was nice while I was pregnant and going through the heart stuff though. No drama for 9 whole months!
Around mid June I began isolating myself from my husband, his kids, his family and other situations. I was able to keep a very strong connection to my own kids and stay solid with my physical/spiritual responsibilities though. I knew there was something very wrong when I noticed the difference in my energy when I was with my kids alone vs the entire family. At that point it was time for me to figure things out.
Step one: Get some help and I did so by contacting my girl, Ms Rhea. God love that woman, she knows exactly what to say and I'm quite certain is my present life Guardian Angel. Love that bitch. I also got a hold of my friend Nikki. Both women know their shit and I'm grateful to have them in my life!
Step two: Go through my private journal entries. They were from 2011-2015 and ALL of them were in July around mid month. Every entry had the same, never resolved issues. What the holy F have I been doing all these years? Not getting the lessons, growing or healing, apparently. I felt defeated and thought to myself, "Damnit. Now I have to start all over again. UGH"
Step three: Expose my bullshit. I had several conversations with the husband about what I was going through and most of it was nasty. I learned a lot though. Mostly that we were never on the same page and I was an asshole for not speaking up sooner. That I could not hold him accountable for anything in the relationship, especially the false pretenses in which it began or my happiness and he made sure to say that I was being unfair by letting him know. Keep in mind we've had these conversations every year since we married in April 2009 AND I've always been honest with him about my feelings.
Oh and let's not forget that I shouldn't be posting any of this to my blog. You know, the thing I've been doing for years prior to meeting the husband. Well that's BS and me holding back stops TODAY. He's agreed to this, of course, otherwise I'd be crying in my cookies instead of being completely honest with myself and those I work with. That's the ONE THING I can say about myself. I may be the dumbest bitch on the block right now, but at least I have been 100% forthcoming and honest with the information I had about myself at the time, including today. I'm a little pissed about this, can't ya tell?
So after all of this I ended up on a letter writing spree. Husband got a great one and another was posted to my blog called "To Whom It May Concern". This entry is mostly about myself, but includes issues regarding family stuff and a few people who have affected me in the past. Anytime I have to write letters you know that shit is hitting the fan. I'm hopeful all of this means that resolution is near and I'll be done with this by the end of the year. I cannot go through this awakening again in 2016. Well, I could handle it, I just don't want to, LOL.
Now that I've dumped some of my smelly garbage out to the Universe I should probably explain what the Hell is going on. I've been in severe denial about all the major life choices I've made since I moved to Ohio in 2006. I was given plenty of time, space and spiritual guidance, but apparently I chose to ignore A LOT. I feel horrible inside and am working on forgiving myself for my stupidity. I'm just hoping that when all is said and done here, those people I love who are being affected by my awakening and growth, will be able to see where I am coming from and I can salvage some of those relationships. Hopefully the outcome won't be as emotionally draining as I'm anticipating.
The biggest thing I'm realizing in hindsight are those super huge red flags that were proudly blazing in the wind at every platform I landed on. Yep. I ignored those bastards hoping to move passed the obvious lessons I needed to receive without being spiritually slaughtered. I can't believe I did that! Me, of all people! We're supposed to get nailed to have a fighting chance of beating our Ego and seeing things as they really are, but all I did was run in the opposite direction. Away from love, life and my true self.
I guess it's time to stop that shit, eh?
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