I am an Aquarius woman and a serious bitch, especially when it comes to my expectations with trust and loyalty. I am unapologetic about this personality trait as it has served me well with filtering out useless assholes, past and present. Some get through the cracks for sure, but those are the ones with a purpose and generally it's to present me a major life lesson or two...maybe three, but probably four or five since we usually don't get it right with only a few attempts. This is something we all have in common.
One of the problems with being an Aquarian woman with trust issues is that once we fall on the sword it's difficult to come back, whether or not it's by our own volition. I don't always blame others for my issues. Most of the time I check myself first, then take responsibility for my thoughts and actions (or inaction), depending on the situation.
As I'm sure most of you have already figured out I'm going through quite the personal and spiritual ordeal on the home front. I feel like I've literally ripped through my insides and cleared out some decayed bullshit I've been holding onto for years. I didn't even realize it was in there until I woke up one morning in July and lost my damn mind for no visible reason. This was Spirit's way of kicking my ass into gear. This awakening is the strongest of mine to date and it almost feels Earth shattering. I still don't know everything, but it's going to be life altering when all is said and done.
Those effing trust issues have come up again. This time through my marriage. Things from his past came back that affected me deeply. It's now part of the present and something I'm uncomfortable living with. My reaction was strong and harsh, although I feel justified. This particular situation was one of the catalysts that dropped me into uncharted territory. I've since realized that I haven't been myself and do not feel as though I can be in this situation, no matter what I'm told.
Like I said earlier, I'm not one to come back easily after being stabbed in the back. I don't recall a time when I've returned to people who have done this to me. Sure I can exist in your presence for a period of time, but I do so on edge. Things are different now that I'm approaching 40. 20 years ago I'd forgive, forget and still be nice. As time marches on my patience wears thin. I believe this is true for a lot of people. The only way a situation like this can be saved is if there's real, true love involved. This is what I've been questioning...so due to that, the answer to me is obvious. Now I have to deal with it.
There's a positive and negative side to almost everything we go through in life. Today I'm facing the emotions derived from denial. I am getting a shit ton of epiphanies, none of which are happy, but all very informative. The strongest realization I had was that my healing process was lacking honesty. I would be in an emotional situation and did not allow myself to FEEL it, inside and out. I would just DO whatever I could to erase the pain. My mindset was always go Go GO GOOOOOOOOO, girl. I should have stopped, taken a breath and let myself feel it ALL. It was an accident, really. I thought I was and by moving my ass I was going toward something better or at least in my highest good. Now it's biting me.. HARD! The positive aspect of denial is actually being out of it. Though it doesn't look nice on the surface, I'm happy I'm done with it for the time being.
Now I have another choice to make. After looking at my shortcomings from the past I know that I don't have enough information to do anything yet. I can only handle one thing at a time so right now I'm trying to stay focused on my personal needs, which includes blogging the shit out of my emotions. I truly wish I didn't have so much personal garbage to discard, but I do, so I write. Blah, blah, blah until it gets resolved. I'm pretty sure that all these epiphanies about being in and out of denial will eventually help me clear away those effing trust issues. I sure hope so otherwise I'll be one unhappy woman and that doesn't feel good.
Today's Lesson:
Face and feel your pain. If you don't, it'll come back until you do. It's easier to deal with the first time around.
One of the problems with being an Aquarian woman with trust issues is that once we fall on the sword it's difficult to come back, whether or not it's by our own volition. I don't always blame others for my issues. Most of the time I check myself first, then take responsibility for my thoughts and actions (or inaction), depending on the situation.
As I'm sure most of you have already figured out I'm going through quite the personal and spiritual ordeal on the home front. I feel like I've literally ripped through my insides and cleared out some decayed bullshit I've been holding onto for years. I didn't even realize it was in there until I woke up one morning in July and lost my damn mind for no visible reason. This was Spirit's way of kicking my ass into gear. This awakening is the strongest of mine to date and it almost feels Earth shattering. I still don't know everything, but it's going to be life altering when all is said and done.
Those effing trust issues have come up again. This time through my marriage. Things from his past came back that affected me deeply. It's now part of the present and something I'm uncomfortable living with. My reaction was strong and harsh, although I feel justified. This particular situation was one of the catalysts that dropped me into uncharted territory. I've since realized that I haven't been myself and do not feel as though I can be in this situation, no matter what I'm told.
Like I said earlier, I'm not one to come back easily after being stabbed in the back. I don't recall a time when I've returned to people who have done this to me. Sure I can exist in your presence for a period of time, but I do so on edge. Things are different now that I'm approaching 40. 20 years ago I'd forgive, forget and still be nice. As time marches on my patience wears thin. I believe this is true for a lot of people. The only way a situation like this can be saved is if there's real, true love involved. This is what I've been questioning...so due to that, the answer to me is obvious. Now I have to deal with it.
There's a positive and negative side to almost everything we go through in life. Today I'm facing the emotions derived from denial. I am getting a shit ton of epiphanies, none of which are happy, but all very informative. The strongest realization I had was that my healing process was lacking honesty. I would be in an emotional situation and did not allow myself to FEEL it, inside and out. I would just DO whatever I could to erase the pain. My mindset was always go Go GO GOOOOOOOOO, girl. I should have stopped, taken a breath and let myself feel it ALL. It was an accident, really. I thought I was and by moving my ass I was going toward something better or at least in my highest good. Now it's biting me.. HARD! The positive aspect of denial is actually being out of it. Though it doesn't look nice on the surface, I'm happy I'm done with it for the time being.
Now I have another choice to make. After looking at my shortcomings from the past I know that I don't have enough information to do anything yet. I can only handle one thing at a time so right now I'm trying to stay focused on my personal needs, which includes blogging the shit out of my emotions. I truly wish I didn't have so much personal garbage to discard, but I do, so I write. Blah, blah, blah until it gets resolved. I'm pretty sure that all these epiphanies about being in and out of denial will eventually help me clear away those effing trust issues. I sure hope so otherwise I'll be one unhappy woman and that doesn't feel good.
Today's Lesson:
Face and feel your pain. If you don't, it'll come back until you do. It's easier to deal with the first time around.
