The Journey To Joy: What Is Meant To Be

I've been on what seems like a psychotic emotional roller coaster for the last 5 months.  I wasn't planning on this type of a ride and it came as a shock.  The lesson in this is to never judge a book by its cover.  How things seem on the outside are not always as they appear, even if you're a participant on the inside.  I feel as though I've risen from the dead and now that I know what the other side feels like, I can't go back.  I don't want to go back.  I was buried alive and it's my own damn fault.  

Now don't get me wrong, this is not a complaint.  I am all about accountability and this awakening has shown me exactly who I am and how I got to where I am today.  Some of my decisions were great and some not so much.  Did I get what I wanted out of the situation?  No, but I got what was necessary at the time.  I was also blessed with two beautiful children.  Becoming a mother changed me.  When I held Angelo in my arms for the first time the ice melted from my heart.  I knew at that point every choice I made would be for him.  I put myself on the back burner willingly and I don't regret it.  

On the negative side, I was still carrying a lot of pain, anger and was mourning the loss of some very important people to me.  Like I said in other entries, I never took the time to feel everything.  I was moving so fast that I passed nearly all the red flags and didn't bother to read the writing on the wall.  The wall I built, by the way.  I was doing it for self-preservation, but in the end all I did was allow myself to be mistreated and taken advantage of in the worst possible ways.  I lied to myself every day and didn't even know it.  

I took the last two weeks to really think about my reality.  What's in my mind, heart and physical life.  I've questioned absolutely every facet of my being.  I spent some quality time in front of the mirror.  It wasn't as bad as I thought.  I liked the reflection, just not the environment.  Pushing my ego aside, I was able to see the truth in those emotional situations and forgive the negativity.  I'm done with ALL the garbage and am embracing the beauty in those people.  Some of them were forgiven ages ago, I just never thought it was important to say anything.  For that, I am very sorry.  The funny thing is now that the BS is gone, I still have love to give.  What an amazing discovery!  That shocked the shit out of me, to be honest.

I also want to add that everything I've been blogging about in the last few entries were about myself only.  The reference to "pointless assholes, past and present" was not geared toward anyone I love or am interacting with now.  Speaking of blogging, some of you have noticed that I changed the title.  I created this blog many years ago and I was using it as a tool to heal my spirit.  Even though I'm going through this enormous life transition, my heart has mended and I'm no longer broken.  I'm always going to have epiphanies, room to grow and change, I feel that it's time to reboot my system.  I'm in the process of shedding the old and creating space for what is meant to be for me in love and in other areas in life.

Moving forward I know I still have a great battle ahead and I'm not looking forward to it.  Due to recent events I believe I no longer have any decisions left to make when it comes to my personal life right now and that's a relief.  The Universe and other people are going to determine how things will play out and when.  This time I'm going to be meticulous about following my intuition and do what I know is right.

Today's Lesson:

Always follow your heart.  Doubt is just fear getting in the way of your true happiness.