Behind The Mask

I'm sure some of you guys have noticed by now that I work relentlessly to achieve true balance, especially in the emotional and spiritual realms. It's no easy feat, whereas, I never know what the shining sun will bring on any given day. The journey thus far has been quite exciting for me personally and for some of my friends as well. It seems as though there's either something in the air, or my EGC mojo is rubbing off on them. EGC is my abbreviation for epiphanies, growth and change.

Do you know what it's like to go through many years of your life feeling as though you were certain about who you really are, only to realize that you knew nothing at all? Maybe you're one who always knew who you were, but portrayed a completely different character due to unrecognizable second-guessing. You could also be a person who had it right the first time, but failed to provide the masses with an accurate perspective because over the years you:

A- Inadvertently wore a mask to shield yourself
B- Allowed yourself to become part of the social standard
C- Were raised to believe that your truth was wrong in some way
OR
D- All of the above

There are also those people who are completely aware, don't hide behind a facade and go through each step in life depicting their inner truth to anyone who will listen. I really thought I was one of those people, but apparently I was sadly mistaken. When I entered a conversation with someone about The Law of Attraction and how the rules apply to me and my romantic relationships, I didn't expect to have yet another "Omg, I'm a moron!" moment. If recently becoming aware that I was trying to fill the void of my (pre-adolescent) lost love wasn't bad enough, now I'm being forced to see what's been lurking behind the mask. I swear to you, it's the emotional equivalent to getting a chemical peel. Instead of looking rejuvenated, fresh and clean, I'm left with the raw, painful memories of my childhood. Yes, yes, I said childhood.

Even some moments we have cast aside, considered silly and inconsequential are quite the opposite. They can turn out to be more important than the major events we remember clearly or hold on to for many years. You'd think my father leaving us on Christmas Day should be cause for concern, but not in my case. We never got along, he was rarely around and to be honest, that was the best Christmas gift I have ever received as it changed my life forever. The real culprit was my mother. 

She and I rarely got along while I was growing up. Hell, even today I can only take her in small doses. As a child, it was obvious to me that nothing I ever did was right in her book, no matter how hard I tried to please her. To this day she still refuses to accept me as I am, unconditionally. Even though I chose to ignore her and take on the rebel role, her words made an imprint somewhere on my subconscious mind and unbeknownst to me, created a pattern which didn't allow me to elicit an honest image of myself to others.

You'd think I would've seen this ages ago, but I probably wasn't allowed to or just wasn't ready to. If I would've known then what I know now! LOL The sad thing about denial is the issue of wasted time. I can choose to hate myself or feel guilty, but what's the use in that? The only thing I can do with this information is accept it, reveal myself and hopefully I'll attract people I can mesh well with. This isn't the new me, it's the real me that's been suffocating under a BS standard set by someone else.

When I finally remembered some of those "silly" things from back in the day, I now see how my mask was created and why I had worn it for so long. I also understand the deeper lessons regarding my past relationship failures, romantic and platonic. As it turns out, this particular epiphany is just the icing on the cake I've been baking for quite some time, I just didn't have all the ingredients to complete it. Now it's ready to be served.

We're always experiencing the effects of EGC. Sometimes we have control over the situation and other times we're just propelled forward by the wings of Angels. What makes us aware are the events that seem shocking and you can't do anything about a problem unless you're aware of its presence. I could apologize to all the people who thought they knew or understood me, but I don't see the point. They were probably wearing a mask too.

xoxo,
Cristn