From Pain To Good Fortune

One of the greatest issues I've had in my relationships when I was single was attracting those who didn't love me for who I really was.  There was always something "wrong" with me.  I was too honest.  I didn't believe in fairy tales.  I was too nice.  I had high standards.  I was too giving.  I expected too much loyalty and respect.  My all time favorite one... I wasn't romantic.  What? Not romantic!  Since when is THAT a problem for a straight guy?

The point is that those people wanted me to fit in to their lifestyle, but they refused to accept mine.  Nobody was willing to compromise, least of all me, but to expect me to just turn into someone else?  Sorry, but that's NOT love in my book.  For the record, I wasn't a bad girlfriend, just a picky one.  I didn't want to settle and I refused to change even one strand of hair on my head to please anyone.  I still operate that way today.


When it came time to manifest a possible love life I asked for 3 very specific "deal breakers".  I say possible because I was truly okay remaining single, if that was the path the Universe had intended for me.  The deal breakers are as follows:

* Someone who can handle the tough stuff without too much assistance. 
* Someone who would accept me as I am and NEVER ask me to change, not even once.
* They would be my complimentary opposite

I got exactly what I asked for.  Nothing more and nothing less.  My Vision Board not only had my deal breakers, but the "If I'm meant to give birth I want this type of a baby daddy" list.  Swear to God I did and I was real specific with that shit too.  I always thought that IF I were meant to be a mother, the man I'd end up with needs to prove he'd be a good father to my child.  I didn't want a re-run of "Cristin's Shitty Upbringing."

Well how can they prove it unless they're already a father?  Yep, that would be why I ended up a Stepmom...because my birth father is a jerk and I wouldn't trust just any dude with the physical and emotional well-being of my child.  So there...I knew it all along intuitively, but never paid attention because it didn't seem like something I'd ever want.  Let's be honest, who REALLY dreams of being a Stepparent? Nobody...but I never seriously believed I'd ever get married and people thought that shit was strange.


"Love is NOT helping someone change who they are so you feel accomplished. It's adoring who they are naturally." 

I had a client the other day who inspired one of my latest Tweets.  I dedicate this one to the man in this particular situation.  This woman truly touched my heart.  She fell for a guy who she honestly believed was in love with her.  It was all rainbows, sunshine and lollipops at first, but a few years into the relationship his true colors emerged.  It started with him making rude comments about her hair, her body and her friends.  Then he attacked her career.  It wasn't lucrative enough.  He even told her he was "embarrassed" by her.  She caved and gave up some of her friends, moved and even changed her physical appearance to suit his tastes, which she told me actually changed every year.  Essentially he had his hands in everything she did, including her free time.  Things eventually fell apart and they split.  Afterward her friends and family finally told her how they prayed she wouldn't marry him and how grateful they are that she "saw the light" before it was too late. 

The reality is that this man thought he was way more successful than she, yet NOBODY seemed to have much respect for him.  He chose her because he deemed her weak and changeable.  He had no self-esteem and needed to control her as a boost to his deflated EGO.  He used to tell my client that he was "helping" her be more successful.  Unfortunately she was so fearful she'd be alone forever that she allowed this way of thinking to infiltrate her entire being. 

Control is NOT love.  Manipulating someone to be something they aren't or to try and get them to do something that isn't meant for them is setting them up to fail.  Now how is THAT love?  After all the readings I've done in my life coupled with my own experiences, I truly believe that you will find someone in your highest good, but you MUST believe that YOU ARE ENOUGH AS IS.  Someone will love you and want to spend their life with you.

No I'm not the most romantic person around, but I've seen too many people fail by conforming to a romantic partner's whims, which is why I've been ranting a lot about love lately.  You can do this.  From your pain will come good fortune if you get rid of that negative self-talk, listen to your soul and never back down from your deal breakers.